A Christmas Story.....Beginning

Baldarklord sat in the small dressing room, smoking his cigarette, sipping his beer, and watching the small clock slowly tick his life away. Finally, with obvious effort, he arose from his chair. Stubbing out the last vestige of his cigarette, upending the can of beer and swallowing the last of it's contents, he walked across the small room, looked in the mirror.....and gave himself one last final check. Making several slight adjustments to his attire, he gave a slight grimace, issued a small silent burp, and satisfied with his appearance, strode purposely toward the closed door of his dressing room, reached for the knob, paused for several seconds, opened the door, and left the quiet peace and security of his dressing room.......

Across the labyrinth of stores, at the opposite end of the Capitalist Mall, Zvonder was going through a similar ritual, and was contemplating his competition, the hated Baldarklord. They had been rivals for what seemed like millenia, although he could pinpoint the exact date that they had become bitter enemies at no more than three centuries ago. It seemed longer than that. "Warfare has a way of confusing time" he thought to himself, as he made his way through the back halls of the mall. As he turned the corner to enter the shopping portion of the mall, the loudspeaker issued the soft, soothing, feminine voice of the mall announcer, stating that the mall was now open for business, followed by specific paid announcements of various store sales. "Perfect timing" he thought, and in a forceful, determined manner, walked straight to the Santa chair at his end of the mall, sat down, and waited for the onslaught of children to arrive.

Just as Zvonder was taking his "Santa throne", so too was Baldarklord. He knew that it would be several minutes before anyone arrived to tell him what they wanted for Christmas, and as usual, he used this time to reflect and ponder the circumstances that had brought him to this embarrassing position......circumstances that he held Zvonder responsible for.....circumstances that forced him to talk to idiot children about baubles, or ring stupid bells in front of stores, begging for money.

Once he was Lord High Protector of Kraal of the Northlands....Warrior, General, Fighter, Master of the Grfyn, second only to Klauz Krngl himself, King of Kraal....Now, he was little more than a minimum wage dupe, scrounging for odd jobs just to be able to supply a days worth of meat for his table. Once he led thousands of soldiers, human and elf alike, defending the realm from the invaders from the Southlands, the Mongrels, who coveted the wealth and treasure of Kraal....now, he was a drunken sot, who let children piss on his lap as their mother's took photos. And it was Zvonder's fault, Zvonder's ineptness, Zvonder's treachery, that placed him here. Once his loyal friend and brother-in-blood, he had entrusted him to negotiate the treaty that would finally bring peace to Kraal from the Mongrels. Instead, the terms he negotiated caused so much strife in the Lower Elven homeland, that it caused a civil war, a schism, between the powering factions. This in turn caused a rebellion of the toy-making elves of Kraal, totally halting production, and prohibiting the deliverance of toys throughout the world for decades, As the rebellion played out. Krngl, his credibility destroyed, his reputation in tatters, the economy of Kraal now almost non-existant, did the only thing he could do....he accepted the pre-signed resignation letters of both Baldarklord, and Zvonder, and banished them from Kraal, and accepted terms from the Mongrels to outsource the making of Christmas toys to the Southland.

Shamed and embarrassed, Baldarklord and Zvonder skulked away, wandering, taking any odd jobs they could find. As they soon found out, employment was limited to men who wore red suits and black shiny boots, and times were hard. As the centuries unwound, small opportunities would arise, as some would disappear. Finally, Baldarklord had had enough of Zvonder and his slothful ways. They had secured employment at a "candy-gram" agency, and part of their duties were to give lap dances for ladies at bachelorette parties. Baldarklord was always a huge success at these parties, and garnered many tips....and invitations.... with his impressive tight muscular thighs and buttocks. But Zvonder had entered into slothful ways, and had let his physique deteriorate to the point that his tips became few and far between. Finally, disgusted with Zvonder's ways, and resenting how hard he had to work while Zvonder slept all day, Baldarklord finally decided to go it alone. Leaving Zvonder to his slothful ways, Baldarklord struck out on his own, and for a few decades, lived very well. But all trials come to an end, and the candygram agency folded when people decided to just live together instead of marrying, cancelling out the bachelorette parties, and times once again got hard. Searching for employment once again, Baldarklord answered an ad for a Santa Claus at the Capitalist Mall......and once again, his and Zvonder's paths crossed. The old resentment flared up, and as the days before Christmas passed, the two former friends could tell that resentment was coming to a boil, and both knew that it must be resolved with blood.

King Krngl sat slumped in his chair, despair dripping from his wrinkled, bearded face. His chief advisor, Hothng Fellatio, had finished summarizing the situation, and that situation was dire. Krngl could barely believe it had gotten this bad, this fast....and this close to Christmas. He was on a short deadline to fulfill his toy needs, and now.....it seems that he would not be able to meet it. The elves he relied on to maintain production of the finished toys were deserting in droves, fear coursing through their ranks and driving them back to their homeland. The Mongrels, who were producing the outsourced parts, were threatening invasion if the parts were not imported into Kraal for final assembly, and to punctuate their message, they had seized the massive farm of stables that held the reindeer that would eventually deliver the toys on Christmas Eve.

"Oh, that fucking Baldarklord and Zvonder" he thought to himself. 'It's all their fault this is happening, with that stupid stupid treaty they negotiated so many years ago." Kryngl took a deep inward sigh, and holding it in for a few seconds, forcefully blew it out. Fellatio quickly noted how red it had turned his face, and knew that his king was under great duress. "What do you recommend, Fellatio.....and please.....don't say what I think you're going to say!"

Fellatio looked at the table, unable to meet Kryngl's eyes...."Sire", he started slowly....'I know you don't wish to hear this again, but Sire....Sire....I see no other way out of this predicament. I know this tears you apart inside, but Sire, we must do it, or all is lost. Sire, we need to.....Sire......we MUST.....Sire.....we must bring back Baldarklord and Zvonder from banishment. These are the only men with enough skill to do what must be done. if we don't, this Christmas, and I dare say, all future Christmases.....will be lost!" Fellatio, still staring at the table, did not have to raise his eyes to know Kryngl's reaction. He could hear it! Kryngl emitted a low moan, and holding it, steadily increased it's volume, until Fellatio thought for sure that his king would suffocate himself by forgetting to breathe in. Finally, the moan abated, and Fellatio sighed with relief when he heard his king start breathing again.

"Ok, ok.....Kryngl said.....'If that's what needs to be done, that's what needs to be done. Send a message to Mrs. Brunhilda's Finishing School.....I want my two daughters Bambi and Sassie back here by tonight. I need you here, Fellatio, and my two Flowers.....my Bambi and Sassie.....are the only two people I have left I can trust. Send for them immedaitely!" And having said those words, Kryngl arose slowly from his chair, as an old man is want to do, and retired to his apartment.


King Krngl and Hothing Fellatio discuss matters.

The fight between Baldarklord and Zvonder was brutal, bloody, and prolonged. They both had decided to take their lunch break in the food court,after listening to hundreds of children spew their requests for Santa, and while Baldarklord was sitting in the Chic Filet eating his value meal, Zvonder strode in. The two spied each other simultaneously, and like two pit bulls protecting a loin flank, charged each other without saying a word. Their hostility of one another exploded in a cataclysm of rage, flying fists, and booted kicks. They grappled each other, and tearing through the small restaurant, scattered the other customers, upending and sending chairs and tables flying. They were evenly matched in strength and prowess, and as the battle raged, each were giving and receiving blows that would have killed any mortal man. But these were not mortal men....they were Kraals, proficient in the manly arts of warriorship, and each determined to defeat the other. As the battle drew into it's second hour, a crowd of shoppers ten deep had grown around them, watching and enjoying the copious amount of blood flowing from each warrior, and cheering each delivered or deflected blow. Both combatants were oblivious to the throng watching them, and if they had known that wagers were being taken on the outcome, may have turned their combined wrath elsewhere.....but as it was, they were interlocked into what each thought would now be a battle to the death. As they fought, each would constantly take the measure of the other....was he tiring, was he crippled, was an arm or leg injured enough to press an advantage. Suddenly, as they were locked in an unbreakable hold, each tearing at the groin of the other, bleeding torrents of liquid life from their bodies, they felt what could only be an attack of magic upon them.....their muscles locked, immovable, and searing pain ran up and down their nervous system. Their concentration broken, they could now hear the shouts of the crowd, and both, as the searing pain continued, heard one lone shout rise above the others......DON'T TAZE THEM, BRO....DON'T TAZE THEM! Then, as blackness enveloped them both, they collapsed to the floor, with the last thing either of them seeing before their eyes closed was the grimace on the other's face.

_____________________________________________THE FIGHT_____________________________________________________

Zvonder felt as though he were in a deep ocean, suffocating under the weight of the ice cold water. He knew that he had only moments to reach the faint light above him, or death would take him, and carry him to the underworld of Necros where he would be made to stand neck deep in piles of Gryfn shit while demons poked at his eyes with stilettos. Clawing his way towards the light, he mustered his will to withstand the pain coursing through his chest and lungs, and slowly the light became brighter, until finally, he breached the surface. Drawing in huge gulps of air, he opened his eyes fully, and saw Baldarklord sitting, watching him. As he gained full consciousness, he realized that, sitting on his chest was a huge black man, facing away towards the opposite wall, naked from the waist down, and eating demurely from a plastic cup of Jello. Noticing that Zvonder was awake, he turned his neck and head, and said "Man, I hopes you din't mind.....but yous was sleeping so nice and all, and yous hadn't eaten da Jello, wal, I tought I'd eat it for yous so's it dint go to waste."

Enraged, Zvonder used every muscle in his body, raised up his torso, and tipped the black man onto the floor of the holding cell, screaming at and threatening the man within an inch of his life..."Damn right I mind.....if that was my Jello, you had no right to take it without asking. Why would you think I would want you to eat my Jello?" Now sitting upright, he glanced over at Baldarklord, and asked "Why did you let him eat my Jello?"

"I didn't think you liked the green kind" replied Baldarklord. 'And besides, the man looked like he was hungry. How are you feelin'?

"Like I've been dragged across a glacier" replied Zvonder. 'Do I look as bad as you, or did I win the fight?"

Baldarklord laughed. "You look about as bad as I do....and no you didn't win the fight.....the Capitalist Mall Security force did. We're in the dungeon......and we have no money or jewels to bribe the guards."

THE JELLO MAN


HOLDING CELL

For two days and nights, Baldarklord and Zvonder sat in the holding cell. The guards of the dungeon had explained to them that, since their fight had occurred on the weekend, they would have to wait till Monday morning for a hearing, and bail to be set. No matter.....they had no money or jewels to bribe anyone with, and resigning themselves to a long dungeon sentence, they paced the floor, trying to figure a way to escape. All their resentment and hatred had been spent in the fight that they had had, and now they were once again friends to the death, brothers-in-blood.

As they tried to figure out a plot to escape, two of the dungeon guards came to escort them to the courtroom for their hearing. Trudging wearily in their red suits and shiny black boots, they eventually stood in front of a man dressed completely in black, sitting behind a huge ornate bench. "That must be our promulcator.....the man who decides if we're to be tortured, ot just imprisoned" whispered Baldarklord to Zvonder. 'Let me do the talking......you keep quiet." As they stood there awaiting their fate, they listened to the judge read the charges, and asking the usual things.....attorneys, bail, can you pay, how do you plead, why are you wearing those Santa suits....blah blah blah.

Hearing nothing from Baldarklord, the judge was just about to hold them over, when from the back of the courtroom, a voice intoned "Your Honor.....I'll post bail for these two, if you'll remand them to my custody." Relieved to have them out of his court, the judge immediately agreed, and imposed bail of $500.00.

Befuddled, Baldarklord asked "Who are you, my good man, and why do you befriend us?"

The young lawyer smiled wryly at the two, and said...."I'm not your friend.....lawyers don't have friends......your befrienders are outside, across the street, waiting for you. And if I may sir, may I ask.....are you guys in a Santa cult or something? The two young ladies that have bailed you out are similarly dressed, only....uh....um.....their Santa outfits are much more......um.......interesting than yours."

Puzzled, Baldarklord and Zvonder followed the lawyer out the door to freedom, and walked across the street to the small bar that he had indicated their benefactors awaited.

The two Kraal warriors looked at each other, again thanked the lawyer for his help, and followed their curiosity to the darkly lit bar across the street. Upon entering, they were accosted by the melodic voice of Kenny Rogers, at a place halfway through his "Gambler" ballad, emanating from a jukebox sitting in the corner. Looking around, they saw several guys in cowboy attire, several more in black motorcycle leather gear, and a smattering dressed in nothing but jeans, and shirtless, slow dancing together on the small dance floor. Standing in the doorway, their finely honed warrior instincts felt several sets of eyes rivet upon them, and they both felt mildly.....accosted. Seeing no one that they recognized, they made their way to a small table on the outskirts of the dance floor, and sat down, moving several empty drink glasses to the edge.

After a few minutes, a waiter in black bowtie, shirtless, and wearing skin tight leather pants, approached them, sat two glasses of dark ale in front of them, and winked. Nodding slightly to his left, Baldarklord and Zvonder followed his eyes. Barely discernible in the darkly lit room, sat two young ladies, dressed in Santa outfits, smiling at them, and motioning them over. "How did we miss those two little pop tarts", asked Zvonder to Baldarklord?

"Good question......seems like they're the only females in the place" he replied. 'I can't believe all these guys aren't all over them." "Well", said Zvonder....'they've invited us over.....let's go check 'em out....they might be the two the lawyer was talking about. The least we can do is thank them." "Agreed" said Baldarklord, and rising in unison, the two slyly made their way over to the two young ladies, Zvonder obviously sucking his belly in, and Baldarklord purposely flexing his tight muscular thighs and buttocks with each step.

Flashing their most gracious and charming smiles, the two sat down on either side of the young ladies who had bought them an ale, sandwiching them in together, with the warriors acting as bookends. "Hello, ladies" said Baldarklord. 'You two are certainly looking......GREAT GRYMKR's GHOST.....YOU'RE WEARING THE OFFICIAL CREST OF THE CLAN OF KRNGL....KING OF KRAAL!"

"Shhhhhhhh", smiled the sultry dark haired beauty sitting beside Zvonder. "Baldarklord.....I can't believe it" said the pixish blond....'You don't recognize us.....I'm so hurt" she smiled, an impish grin lighting up her finely porcelain features. "Has it been so long?.....or have we just grown up a little?" she giggled, conciously pushing out her pert breasts as an exclamation mark.

"Wha.....it can't be....it's not possible.....why...why.....you were no bigger than this when I last saw you two" indicating with a hand to his beltline their last known size to him. Zvonder, having never met the two ladies, clueless, sat there not knowing the import of what was happening. Finally, overcome with his curiosity, he interrupted the conversation, and demanded to know what the three were talking about.

"Zvonder, these two little "pop tarts", as you so lovingly described them, are the two daughters of Kryngl.....the Two Flowers of Kraal, Astor and Rose......Bambi and Sassee! The last time I saw them, they couldn't have been more than a hundred years old.....now look at them, young beautiful ladies, all um....er....grown up," as he deceitfully apprised each luscious bodice pointedly staring at him. The appraisal was not lost on the two young ladies, and remembering their mission, used every feminine wile taught them by Mrs Brunhilda at her school to bring Zvonder and Baldarklord into a complacent train of thought. As the night passed, the drink flowed freely, and as the social lubrication took effect, the two daughters of Kraal slowly intwined the light hearted banter with the troubles of Kryngl, flirting precociously with the two warriors, for both their father's sake, and because they wanted to. As each pair were brought up to date of the past three centuries, Baldorklord finally asked:

"How did you find us? We've had no contact with Kraal for nigh onto three hundred years....and yet you knew exactly what dungeon to come to, and found us."

"Well, it wasn't hard, Sassee said, her speech a little slower, with just a tint of slurring. "Your fight made world news headlines.....you were even on the O'Reilly Factor on FOX News. Once you made it there, it was easy.....everyone watches FOX!"

Baldarklord and Zvonder both burst out with hearty laughter. "Oh yes....the fight" declared Baldarklord. "It was magnificent, although I can't say I enjoyed the aftermath.....especially the strip-search at the dungeon.....but I must say, Zvonder enjoyed it immensely, and I believe he was in Kraal Heaven when they did the cavity search!" thundered Baldarklord.

Zvonder looked shyly at his draught of dark ale, and with a sheepish grin, said "Well, everyone has his weak spot.....they looked in both your ears, and found nothing!" The table roared with laughter at Baldarklord's expense, and as all conversations turn in a dimly lit room, with adequate drink, so too did this one, and the sublime sexual flirting become more covert, and open.

"So tell me, you two Flowers of Kraal", said Zvonder. 'Has anyone yet pollinated your pistils?"

"Oh no, not yet, but daddy says were almost of age, and can start having casual sex after this Christmas is finished. Were still both virgins.....technically speaking." said Bambi.

"HA" came back Sassee.....you lost your "technicality" a long time ago, twin sister", laughing hysterically.

"Well, Little Miss Nothing.Goes.In.My.Ass.......do I denote a twang of jealousy.....or yearning, as I watch you eye Uncle Baldarklord there."

"hmmpf"

"hmmpf" back.

The table was raucous, but finally, the Twin Flowers Of Kraal had to get to business, and as a seriousness of measure enetered the two sister's voices, Baldarklord and Zvonder hushed their tone, and listened intently of the tale that the two sisters relayed......

As the tale of woe issued forth from Bambi and Sassie, the faces of Zvonder and Baldarklord grew ever more grim. Torn between their homeland's dilemma, and the resentment of their father, King Krngl, their thoughts and emotions ran the gauntlet from one extreme to the other. Wanting to help their people, concerned for both the elves and humans who faced the Mongrel Whores seeking to extort their country's wealth, they listened intently as the Twin Flowers of Kraal laid out their pleas.....and offers.....for their help. The two princesses had explained completely and competently the problems, and the solutions needed, for the Mongrels to be repulsed from Kraal, and save Christmas for not only this year, but for all future generations. They dispalyed a knowledge of political, economic and military expertise that Baldarklord and Zvonder would not have thought possible in ones so young.....and beautiful.

Baldarklord could tell that Zvonder had been mesmerized by the narrative....especially anytime that Bambi spoke.....and knowing his ally and brother-in-blood like he did, knew that he was about to acquiesce to her requests......without any further negotiations. They had been offered generous terms by the two young ladies.....full reinstatement of their lands and titles, full authority over both the Eastern and Western armies of Kraal, and full conjugal rights to the Twin Flowers, when they were granted casual sex status by their father when they reached legal age, Christmas Day. Further, they would be granted seed-bearer status when the time came for the princesses to produce heirs.

Zvonder was about to readily agree to the offer on the table, when he saw Baldarklord give him a barely discernable shake of his head, so slight that no one but a fellow warrior could have noticed. Hastily closing his mouth, he leaned back in his chair, to see what Baldarklord was up to. Requesting a few minutes to discuss this with Zvonder, he asked that the Twin Flowers leave the table so they could discuss the proposal in private. Bambi and Sassie readily agreed, and arising from the table, slowly made their way to the bank of restrooms across the room labeled Ladies, Gentlemen, and Others. As they both watched the sensuous swaying of their hips as they walked away, Baldarklord could not help but notice the tightly clenched and perfectly formed cheeks of Sassie, as they peeked out from beneath her red Santress suit, silently beckoning him to accept their terms.

Zvonder looked at Baldarklord with perplexity. "Why didn't we just agree? It's everything we could have dreamed of, Baldarklord!" "I wanted to watch them walk away first.....you can tell just about everything about a woman when they walk away from you.....they know that your eyes will be glued directly on their ass. If interested, they'll be swinging it back and forth. If not, they'll walk a straight line. I must say, they both passed with flying colors, and two more beautiful asses I haven't seen for decades!" replied Baldarklord. For several minutes the two talked about the attributes of the Twin Flowers of Kraal.....their beauty, their intellect, their knowledge of politics. Both warriors were supremely impressed with their prowess, and as the twins came back to the booth, they readily informed them of their decision to help.

"Wonderful", said Bambi, flashing an alluring smile......finish your ales, boys, and we'll leave immediately".

"But how do we get back to Kraal" asked Zvonder.....'it must be thousands of miles away?"

"Leave that to us", said Sassee....Mrs Brunhilda's Finishing School is....um....a little more than just a finishing school. We had Muses come in every day, coaching and instructing us on many things.....Art, Music, Dance, Conversation skills......and there was this one Muse, who was just simply incredible! He instructed us in some of the finer aspects of....uh....human relations....let's just say it was mind-blowing! He also taught us how to teleport ourselves to wherever we wanted to go, just by thinking about it. Our grandmother was part elf, you know, and we do have some of her magical powers. They come in very handy, sometimes. Soooooo.....if you two are ready, let's all join hands, close our eyes, and go see daddy!"

Baldarklord and Zvonder did as the girls said, and as they took their hands, their touch was electrifying, sending wanton shivers of anticipation of things to come through the two warriors. As they sat there, eyes closed, the two warriors heard the Twins murmur a chant. Immediately, they could feel themselves turning what could only be described as....liquid. All sound was silenced, There was no heat, nor cold. Baldarklord felt himself being enveloped by swirling darkness. Opening his eyes, the darkness overwhelmed, and then swallowed him. He felt as though he were in the darkest of caves. The only sensations he could feel were the pressure of Sassee's and Zvonder's hands, holding his tightly. As they slipped further into the swirling abyss, there was no sense of time, or space, or movement. Suddenly, Zvonder emitted an ear-splitting scream of primal fear that would shatter crystal, and Baldarklord could feel his brother-in-blood grasp him tightly, hugging him for dear life.





Krngl sat in his study, listening to Fellatio give his status of their battle assets. The report was dismal indeed, and as Fellatio went down the list, Krngl could feel all hope draining from his very soul of ever defeating the Mongrels, and saving Christmas for the children. Half of his army was AWOL, or had deserted. His battle vehicles and weapons were heavily in disrepair, with only about a quarter of them working. On and on went Fellatio. Finally, with Krngl hanging his head, Fellatio came to the Gryfns. Seemingly at a loss for words, Fellatio fell silent. Krngl looked up, and could tell by the look of Fellatio's face.....this was really going to be bad.

"WELL.....WHAT OF THE GRYFNS?" Shouted Krngl, exasperated.

Fellatio, trying to temper the news, said "Well, sire, there's good and bad news.....the bad news is, we only have 47 fighting gryfns, down from 800 a little over a year ago. It seems, outsourcing their care to the Mongrels, the Mongrels took it upon themselves to geld them, in the hopes of saving on the feed bill."

"GELDED?" cried Krngl. 'GELDED......my gryfns have been GELDED?"

"Yes, m'Lord.....but there is some good news with that", replied Fellatio.

"Oh, I can hardly wait", said Krngl. 'And just what would this good news be", he asked, almost sobbing.

"Well", Fellatio continued.....'They're really, really pissed!"

Krngl sat at the table trying to digest all the bad tidings that Hothng Fellatio had just reported, his head on the table cradled between his two large, red-suited arms. As the thoughts whirled through his mind of what to do, a loud commotion suddenly appeared behind him. Turning, he watched a tangle of writhing arms and legs, heads and torsos materialize on the floor behind him.

"HOLY SHIT, ZVONDER.....YOU ALMOST KILLED US ALL" screamed Sassee, disentangling herself from the others, standing up, and adjusting her red santa halter top, which had fallen down around her hips. 'Oh......hi daddy..... Bambi and I have brought back Baldarklord and Zvonder", smiling a little girl smile at him, and then turning and giving Zvonder a dirty look. As the rest of the group arose from the floor, Krngl looked on in amazement, open-mouthed and dumbfounded, as he wondered why Zvonder would be clinging to Baldarklord's neck, with his legs wrapped tightly around Baldarklord's waist. Looking at Bambi, he just gestured, hands up and open, questioning. "Zvonder just had a little vertigo scare, daddy.....he's ok now.....I think."



Zvonder, now fully aware of his surroundings, slowly unwrapped his legs from Baldarklord, and disengaging his arms from around his neck, sheepishly said "Greetings, King Krngl......we are here to do your bidding." and bowed deeply, showing respect to his old king.

Baldarklord, straightening himself out, and brushing himself off, offered the same greeting as Zvonder, and arising from his bow, hesitated, and looked strangely at himself. "heyyyy.....something's not right." Rising fully from his bow, he glanced around the room, and finding one of the several mirrors on the wall, slowly walked to it, and looked into it. "Heyyyyyyy.........HEYYYYYYYYY....WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT THE FUCK HAS HAPPENED TO ME? The mirror reflected Baldarklord's face perfectly, but his body was not dressed in his red santa tights, but Zvonder's tight santa shorts! And, his sixpack abs were now gone, and replaced with Zvonder's slovenly gut. He turned around.....his tight muscular thighs and buttocks were no longer tight and muscular......they had turned soft.....
and squishy! AGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH........WHAT'S HAPPENING? he bellowed to the room. Looking over at Zvonder, he knew! Zvonder, coming to the realization to what had happened, also found a mirror, and as he gazed at his new reflection, a broad smile emblazoned his face. His torso was now sleek, and svelte. He had muscular bulges, where once there was flab. He was ecstatic, and turned and preened in front of the mirror, hardly believing his new form. Admiring himself, he turned to Bambi and Sassee, and asked "Is it permanent? Can I keep them?" Unsure of how to answer, for this had never happened before, and sensitive to Baldarklord's feelings about it, Sassee answered, but with a trace of doubt in her voice...."Oh, I'm sure we'll have to find a way to reverse this, uh....predicament. It wouldn't be fair to Baldarklord if we let things stay as they are."

Baldarklord, over his initial shock, felt something.....different.....weighty....in his short tight Zvonder pants. Thumbing the front of the waistband, he took a peek inside....."GOOD GRMKER'S GHOST" he shouted....MY God, Zvonder.....I never......knew? Oh My God! Turning to Bambi, he said...."ah, let's not worry about this right now, Bambi.....we'll figure something out......maybe in a week....or two. Let's get to the problem on the Mongrels, and we'll worry about this later, maybe after the New Year. There's plenty of time!

For three days and nights, Baldarklord and Zvonder sat at the conference table, planning, evealuating, strategizing. Krngl was unabashedly asked to leave, and make his Christmas Eve plans as if everything were normal.....as Baldarklord had assured him it would be. Before leaving, Krngl asked "How can you be so confident, with all the problems you face, with a million man army just waiting for an excuse to cross our borders and attack, with my reindeer being held hostage, with our own army next to nothing????" "Because", said Baldarklord, looking Krngl straight in the eye......'the odds are in our favor!" And with that, he bade him leave, and turned to investing all of his energy into planning the Mongrels' defeat. For those three days and nights, Baldaklord and Zvonder sat with Fellatio, distasteful as his company was, and Sassee and Bambi, whose knowledge and advice on the realm he found invaluable. Finally, their strategy etched into a battle plan, their bodies tired and worn, he dispatched Fellatio to errands that needed doing, and tasks to be done to complete their plans. Wanting to summarize all of their strategy, he turned to address Zvonder, who had he saw had gotten up, and taken Bambi to a private corner of the room, where he could see that they were whispering and giggling.....seemingly making their own plans for after the battle. He laughed to himself as Zvonder fawned over the doe-eyed Bambi, like a buck in rutting season. "Zvonder......we need to finalize. Bring Bambi over here, and yourself as well, for the four of us need to make sure what all of our duties will be."

Baldarklord, Zvonder, Bambi and Sassee went over the battle plan again and again until each one knew their role, and everyone else's role to be played out. Sassee, tired and hungry, asked the others "Do you think it will work....can we win?" Zvonder, rising and flexing, and brushing his steel hard left buttock against Bambi's shoulder, replied "Yes, Flower of Kraal......we have already won the battle here, at this table. All there is left to do now, is do what we have planned. The result is inevitable, as sure as the sun will rise tomorrow. I will take what is left of our Eastern and Western armies, free our gryfns from their keepers, of which will be a simple task. From there, we take what former gryfn riders we have left, break the seige of the reindeer stables, where the Mongrel general Hop Sing Lepew is garrisoned.....and then wait. With the attack on General Hop, General Chang di la Montana of the million man army will be forced to respond, to keep Krngl from using the reindeer to deliver Christmas presents to the children on Christmas Eve. That will be his undoing, and his defeat. His army will be destroyed as he traverses the only timely manner in which to get to the reindeer......around the Forbidden Glacier, and down the Eternal River of Ice. His doom is sealed! You ask dear flower can we win? Hop and Chang will soon discover the answer to that question.....Yes, We Can!

The gryfn is a creature etched in myth, emblazoned in history, ensconced in veneration. The body of a lion, the head and wings of the eagle, it is a formidable foe, feared by anyone unfortunate enough to face their ferocity. Fearless in battle, the sight on only one can make an entire army turn tail, and run. Faced with dozens, that army has only the hope of a quick and painless death.

Baldarklord now sat atop one of these creatures, circling the battlefield a thousand feet above the death and destruction, orchestrating the slaughter of thousands of garrisoned Mongrel soldiers who now faced the folly of their arrogance in seizing Krngl's reindeer. Sitting behind him on the gryfn was the Princess Sassee. Sharing their body warmth, encased in and sharing a burgandy Snuggie, they watched Zvonder and Bambi, also sharing a Snuggie, as they led their men, both human and elf, atop their own gryfns tear into the Mongrel army. Using their hand held book lights that came with the Snuggie, Baldarklord and Zvonder communicated back and forth in warrior code as to the progress and tactics of the battle. As the Mongrel army would turn and face one wave of gryfns, another wave would attack from behind, and as they turned to face that wave, another would attack from the side. Atop their vantage point, Baldarklord and Sassee watched the field of pure white snow turn a blistering, crimson red, dotted with the shorn limbs and viscerated bodies of the Mongrels.

The gryfns were especially brutal in their attack, vengeance for the gelding they had suffered at the hands of their tormentors. Only when necessary would they go for a quick kill of the Mongrels; rather, they preferred to use their sharp fangs and talons to exact painful, mortal wounds, wounds that would take a while to claim their finality. Zvonder and Bambi circled the battlefield at ground level, well out of arrow range from the Mongrels, and as the leadership of the battle exacted their toll of death, they would flash their hand held book lights at one another, designating the next weak point to attack. The entire battle, from start to finish, took less than an hour. There was to be no quarter given, no mercy shown, and no prisoners taken. Total death to the Mongrels had been the order, and that order was consumed with enthusiastic ardor.

As the last wave of gryfns finished their grisly chore, taking down the last stand of Mongrels, Zvonder and Bambi flew up to Baldarklord and Sassee, hovering beside them, flushing with the heat of battle.....among other things.

"These Snuggies manke great battle gear in this clime, do they not, Brother?" quipped Zvonder.

"Aye, they do, responded Baldarklord.....especially with the fair company we've got to share them with." grinning back at the other pair, enduring a poke to the ribs from Sassee as the words left his mouth.
"So much for Hop" said Zvonder.

"Yes" replied Baldarklord, and turning his gryfn to face South, added, 'Now, it's time to take care of Chang!"

The two twins sat stretched out in the whirlpool, letting the warm water cascade over their nude bodies, the warm luxurious sensations lulling them as the bubbles from the jets tickled every nerve ending from their toes to their neck. Languine and sensuous, Baldarklord admired them, as Zvonder refilled their champange glasses, and raised his own to a toast: "To our victory over Hop", he intoned, 'and to our coming victory over Chang!" In unison, the four raised their glasses, and drank deeply, and also in unison, giggled as Baldarklord added "And may these bubbles tickle our innards, as much as our outards are now being tickled."

Suddenly, the door burst open, and Krngl hurriedly entered the spa room, obviously excited and speaking faster than his tongue could form the words. Showing deference to their king, all four arose, and stood to show homage to Krngl:

"Hi, Daddy" Bambi and Sassee both said as one.

"Hello, my Twin Flowers, I'm glad to see you relaxing after your stupendous victory. But our scouts have now reported that Chang and his army are marching toward our border. I wanted to confer and confirm....am I still set to go tomorrow night, Christmas Eve? Has anything changed to upset our plans?"

Baldarklord and Zvonder, both reaching for their towels, confirmed together that all was well, and that Chang was soon to meet his demise, and that there would be no reason for His Highness to alter his plans. Finally, procuring their towels, Zvonder maintained his modesty, and held the small towel in front of him. Baldarklord, only a second or two behind, defered to covering his rear and thighs, leaving his front proudly open to anyone's gaze. The Twins, still standing, sat their glasses down, and waded out of the hottub to Krngl, where they planted a kiss on the opposite cheeks of his pink, bearded face.

"Oh, daddy.....you know that Baldarklord and Zvonder have the perfect plan" said Sassee. 'don't worry.....this Christmas Eve will go down in Kraal history as the most glorious ever!"

"I know, I know, replied Krngl. 'I have complete faith in my baby girls", and glancing at Baldarklord and Zvonder, grudgingly added....'and you too also."

"Have you got your speech all worked out, daddy" asked Bambi. 'You know how the elves like to hear your speeches, and how it inspires them so, especially after a hard year of making toys."

"Yes, yes, for the most part, sweet Astor, but I need to insert tomorrow's battle with Chang still, so I'll have to wait till that's finished, I suppose, to add that into it.....unless my little Rose would just give me a teeny tiny hint," he turned, smiling at Sassee.

"Daddy.....now you know this is our Christmas present to you, and you shouldn't be asking such things....but all four of us guarantee that you're gonna love it, so just go ahead with your plans, and after tomorrow, you'll see," Sassee sweetly told him, and gave him another peck on the cheek, and slowly walked back into the hot tub.

"Alright, ok, I'll put my faith in my little darlings.....you've never failed me yet," and turning, walked back toward the door to leave....but turned around just as he was about to exit, lowered his head, upraised his eyes, and said "I know it's close to your getting your casual sex status, but I'm putting you on your honor......it's not official till tomorrow night, soooooooo........do I have your promise that you won't be naughty?"

Looking disappointed, Sassee started a mild protest, but Bambi shushed her with a quick look, and then both said

"Yes daddy.....we'll be nice!"

"Baldaklord? Zvonder? Do I have your word on this matter?" Krngl asked, looking at the two, lowering his gaze even further.

"Yes da.....Sire.....you have our word" Baldarklord answered, indicating Zvonder also.

"Well then, I've got some preparations to make, so you four be good little boys and girls now, and I'll see you tomorrow night at my departure." And smiling mischieviously, left the four to their champange and spa

The Forbidden Glacier had guarded the Southern border of Kraal before time was measured. It was a hulking mass of ice that ran parallel along the Kraalian Mountains, a wide swath of desolate wasted behemoths that defined the border between Kraal and Mongrelia. The land could not be farmed in these Northern climes, there was no timber to be had from it's rocky outclimbs, no wildlife to speak of, and many men had died searching for rumored deposits of mineral wealth, to no avail. It's only value had been to seperate Kraal from the Mongrels, a natural barrier to their aggression. Then, several hundred years ago, a massive chunk of the glacier broke free, and like a child finally ready to leave it's mother, began it's timeless march to the Kraalian Sea, exploring it's own destiny along the way. The Child was long gone, having found it's way along the path of it's search, but the Mother still remained, frozen between two valleys that would cede not an inch to the billions of tons of frozen water locked within her breast. But the Child's wandering ways had left a gouge in the earth, a void a hundred miles long, now allowing the two borders to be breached:

On the occasions when there would be a warm day, perhaps once or twice in a decade, a part of the Mother would shed her blessing to the void, eventually creating a frozen river of ice that had become a highway for Chang to forward his army into Krngl's domain. The river ran perhaps only two feet deep at it's deepest point, for the Child had not been that massive or heavy to gorge out anything deeper.The top two thirds of the river remained permanent ice, with the underlying third a slow moving tendril of the Mother's meltwater, kept fluid by the heat of natural decay of the land underneath. Occasionally, on one of those rare warm sunny days, there would be a breakthrough of the meltwater, and it would slowly ooze over the surface of the ice, forming a slick sheen of glassy surface water, that would freeze over when the warm day had been spent, keeping the Eternal River of Ice smooth, and easy to traverse. It was a natural highway, and the million-man-march of Chang approached, ready to lay desolation to Kraal, and to take it's vengeance on Kraal for his defiance.

As Chang and his army rounded the Forbidden Glacier, spearheading toward the Eternal River of Ice, his scouts returned, reporting that the river was frozen, and would hold the entire weight of the army. There were no breaches for it's entire length, and the surface had remained smooth in the frigid temperatures. There would be no delays.

Chang had allowed his army to pillage the few small villages along the no-mans-land of the two borders, small villages of nomads who would erect their pitiful lodgings for a few days or weeks at a time, and then uproot and move on when what meager resources that existed had been exploited. He had been totally surprised when he had found a huge storehouse of barter goods at one of the villages, goods that the poor villagers would trade for skins or food. Chang usurped it all, distributing the goods amongst his vast army, and leaving the villagers even more destitute than when he first encountered them. He was cursed up and down the entire length of the Forbidden Glacier, and the Kraal Mountains for his cruelty.

Christmas Eve Day dawned bright, with a slight mist hanging over the land. The Twin Flowers and the Two Kraal Warriors again found themselves among the clouds, wrapped in their Battle Snuggies, and watching the advance of Chang's army. Astride their gryfns, the four watched in awe as the Eternal River of Ice filled from canyon wall to canyon wall with the heavily armed warriors of the Mongrel Whores, their lines stretching to infinity down the frozen river. Even from their vantage point, Baldarklord could hardly believe the sheer numbers of the amassed army. The front end of the army was a full twentyfive miles into it's march by the time the rear guard placed it's last foot upon the ice.

"This is going to be more exciting than I ever dreamed" whispered Sassee into Baldarklord's ear, feeling his loose, flabby thighs and buttocks locked between her legs as she stradded him from behind!

"Aye, little one, there's nothing like a slaughter to make one's blood run hot." he replied, enjoying the pressure of her thighs against his. Beside them, Zvonder and Bambi had buried their heads inside their Snuggie, and Baldarklord took the opportunity to smack the flanks of their gryfn with his sword, startling the beast, and causing not a little consternation from the two forms buried inder the Battle Snuggie when it bolted out and up. Baldarklord knew they were in no danger of falling, strapped in with their harness as they were, and enjoyed the sight immensely as their legs and arms flew out from under their shared garment, flailing for balance. Laughing heartily, Sassee and Baldarklord urged their beast forward, once again sidled with the other two.

"ASSHOLE" cried Bambi, as she verbally flogged her sister and Baldarklord with an unending stream of epitaths, unbecoming from one who has attended Mrs. Brunhilda's Finishing School. This only made Sassee and Baldarklord laugh harder, until finally, slowly, their peels quieted, and Baldarklord grew serious.

"It is time, Brother. Time to quash this army so that it's head never again rises to bite us. It ends today!" Grim-faced, Zvonder nodded, and with a kick from their heels, each Warrior spurred his gryfn, and turned them to the East, and the head of Chang's army.

Chang looked up from the Mexican burro he had imported to carry him over the ice. Above him, he could see his old foes, Baldarklord and Zvonder, circling like vultures on their gryfns, and also recognized the two daughters of Krngl, sitting behind them.

"Mmmmmm", he thought to himself.....'perhaps they've realized the folly of attacking Hop, and have come to barter for their lives. I hope so......those two little lovelies would make fine additions to my harem!"

Behind him, his army marched to the rhythm of the large drum pounding out each step, the drummer walking just ahead of the massive columns of soldiers.

"Step up the beat, drummer" Chang commanded.....'we're making excellent time, and I want to invade Kraal by this evening......and also send back the word among the ranks, to turn up the voltage on their electric shoe warmers we confiscated from that last village....I don't want any frostbitten feet before we go into battle!"

Chang smiled to himself....what a stroke of luck, coming across that village with over a million shoe warmers.....this would save at least ten percent of his army from frostbite, and he was already savoring the victory he foresaw in his mind. Krngl didn't stand a chance, what with only a little over forty gryfns, and only a few thousand soldiers to contest him.

Mile after mile, the army marched toward Kraal, and the ever-circling pair of gryfns and their human riders were always in the back of the minds of the soldiers....they knew only too well how formidable they could be when they attacked from the air. As Chang and his army approached the border of Kraal, they watched the circling gryfns seperate, and fly into different directions. As they flew off, Chang watched them, blinking some kind of high-tech torch at one another. Then, they were gone!

With the Kraal border in sight, Chang halted his army, and ordered them to stand at attention while he had his lackeys adorn him with his battle armor, and prepare his afternoon meal. He hated to go into battle on an empty stomach. Dining on the ice, he enjoyed a sumptious meal of roast turkey, assorted vegetables, several courses of desserts, and a bottle of Chateau Le Briand, vintage 2007. As he was finishing his last glass, several things happened at once: there was suddenly a loud KEEEEERAAAAACCCCCKKKKKK that split the air, reverberating off the mountains again and again in a deafening ear-shattering groan. He watched as the ice that his men had been standing on cracked, splintered, and then finally give way, sending his men into ice cold knee deep water. Once the ice had started splitting, it continued, and he watched as the splintered ice ran it's course at break-neck speed down the river, as far as he could see. The cracking ice was in freefall, and Chang knew by the diminishing sound that it was running the whole of the river, sending his men into the freezing water. The men were scrambling for recovery.....but there was nowhere to go.....hemmed in by ranks of other soldiers, and the river bank itself. "Mein Gott" cried Chang.....it was the SHOE WARMERS........IT WAS A SETUP BY BALDARKLORD........THEY HAVE MELTED THE ICE. No sooner had the thought ran through his mind, then he saw the ice refreezing, entrapping his men in knee deep ice. Once the shoe warmers went into the water, they shorted out! Absent of heat, it allowed the ice cold water to immediately refreeze, and trap his soldiers. For a half hour, he heard the screams of his men coming from downriver, struggling to get free.....but it was hopeless......it was like they had been encased in concrete. For a half-hour Chang watched and listened to the horror, helpless to do anything. Finally, only the sounds of his trapped and struggling men could be heard......a million men, standing like popsicles, in knee deep ice!

Chang stood there, mesmerized by the sight, and the perverse thought that it was a beautiful sight, except that it was HIS army, crossed his mind. Hearing a voice from above, he looked up, and saw Baldarklord and Sassee aboard their gryfn, smiling down at him, and giving him the finger. The, Baldarklord pointed toward the Kraal border, and shouted down......"Hey Chang......do you like movies? 'Cause you're about to star in one!" Following Baldarklord's pointed finger, he looked on in amazement as he saw what could only be described as a giant.....no, giant would be a dwarf compared to this thing....a humongous robot, standing there watching him.

"Chang......meet Optimus Prime, star of the movie "The Transformers".....Megatron is at the other end of the river with Zvonder, and you're about to gain immortality on the silver screen in their new movie "Transformers Two....The Reckoning!"

With that, Baldarklord flashed his hand held book light at Optimus Prime, and Chang looked in horror as the robot started changing, altering itself into a big, green.....RIDING MOWER! Baldarklord guided his gryfn over the mower, and deftly dismounted onto the driver's seat. Pressing a button, Chang heard the mower roar into life, louder than a jet on take-off, and slowly at first, then picking up speed, move towards him. The last thing he saw was Baldarklord grinning from atop the mower, with a green John Deere hat adorning his head.

Atop the Gryfns, Bambi and Sassee watched from ahigh, as the two giant riding mowers, starting from opposite ends of the river, started mowing the soldiers. They watched in admiration as the two warriors would first try a straight up and down cut, sometimes a round and about cut, or a side to side cut. Their favorite though, was the criss-cross cut. It just made the stumps sticking out of the ice look so.....uniform.....and gave the ice such a pretty, pink hue in the failing sunlight.

Krngl stood at the podium in the giant hall, looking out over the crowd of humans and elves, accepting their cheers with hearty "ho ho ho's", and smiling gregariously. His annual Christmas Eve speech was one of the best he had ever delivered, and he stood there, accepting their adulation, and grateful that he was even able to stand here. For a while, it was doubtful, but he had made a good decision of listening to Hothng Fellatio's recommendation to bring back Baldarklord and Zvonder. As he finished his closing comments, he brought the two warriors to the podium, where he asked them to say a few words. Zvonder, looking a little embarrassed, finally said "Yo". The crowd erupted in applause and cheers, and smiling, Zvonder stepped back to make room for Baldarklord. Trying to hide his loose flabby thighs and buttocks behind the podium, Baldarklord, clearing his throat, leaned into the microphone and said "Yeh......what he said" indicating Zvonder. Again, the crowd erupted, cheering mightily.

In the aisleway of the great hall, stood Krngl's reindeer, harnessed to a sled bulging with wrapped gifts for the children of the world, ready to make their rounds. Finally, noting the time, Krngl said a final farewell to the throng, basking in their cheers, and left the stage. Backstage, he called his Twin Flowers over, and with Baldarklord and Zvonder standing beside him, presented them with laminated cards. Reading them, both Sassee and Bambi shrieked with delight, and flung their arms around Krngl's neck, and kissed his rotund cheeks. "Oh thank you thank you daddy." they cried in unison. "And don't worry daddy, we'll be careful" Sassee intoned. Krngl smiled at his little darlings, and with a flourish, waved goodbye, and made his way to the waiting sled. At that cue, the overhead doors opened on the roof of the hall, and with lightning speed, Krngl urged his reindeer to flight, and out into the blackness of the waiting night.

Baldarklord and Zvonder watched as he departed, and at his final glimpse, they turned to Sassee and Bambi, and asked what he had given them. Smiling, they flashed the laminated disks that their daddy had just given them, and proudly said in unson....."it's our casual sex license......wanna go for a spin?" Grinning a shit-eating grin, Zvonder took Bambi by the hand, and whisked her away, and out the hall. Baldarklord, a little more reserved, looked at Sassee, and slyly intoned "Casual, huh? Sweetie, tonight is going to be anything BUT casual for you" and tossing her over his shoulder, carried her to the myriad of dressing rooms adorning the giant hall.




A Christmas Story........the end!

Author's note: No animals were injured or killed in the writing of this story. Any similarity to persons living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Baldarklord sat in the castle gaming room, playing a fast paced game of DonkeyKong, and Mario was getting his ass kicked. The grunts and curses emanating from Baldarklord reverberated off the marble walls of the vast room, as barrel after barrel squashed the little dude. Finally, with a roar of disgust, his last "life" going down in flames, Baldarklord issued a string of epithats, and kicked the machine as hard as he could. The screen quivered, and then went dark, and the continually playing music of the calliope slowly wound down, till there was dead silence in the room, save the exception of the warrior's heavy breathing from all his exertions.

"Wow.....you suck!" a voice behind him laughed. Turning quickly on guard, Baldarklord was instantly ready for battle, but relaxed when he saw his brother-in-blood standing there, Zvonder.

Awwwwww.....it's a stupid game anyway", he declared, turning around and giving the darkened screen a glare of anymosity. "What's up, Z-Man.....I figured you and Bambi were either dead by now, or had hopped a sled and gone globe-hopping. You've been locked in her boudoir for over a week.....and I must say, the staff is in full gossip mode." Zvonder gave a huge grin..

"The woman is innnnnnSATiable,....and totally in love with me. Doesn't even wanna take a break for meals. I gotta say, this "casual sex" status has really loosened her up.....and me too. I haven't felt this good or this young in centuries. These tight muscular thighs and buttocks of yours are just TERRIFIC! She calls me her "Piston Packin' Papa" How about you and Sassee? How are you guys doing?

"Pretty much the same" replied Baldarklord, grinning. She passed out yesterday, and hasn't woke up yet. I must say, Mrs. Brunhilda's Finishing School sure has a.....progressive cirriculum! By the way, Zvonder....I've been wanting to talk with you about something.....I...I....well, Zvonder, I'd like my body parts back. Yours were nice for a while, with the size and all.....but it feels strange. I'd like to trade back."

"What....why....is something wrong with Herman? Did you hurt him?"

"Who's Herman....what are you talking about," asked Baldarklord

"Herman" replied Zvonder, nodding down towards Baldarklord's midsection. 'Herman.....my dick."

"You call your dick..........Herman? You actually named your dick?" grinned Baldarklord, stifling back a guffaw. "Yeh......lotsa guys do. Don't you have a name for yours?"

"Uhhhhhh....no....no I don't. Why did you name your dick? Do you talk to him? Does he answer back? Can he sing? asked Baldarklord, not quite in full laughter. "Have you named mine? Finally, he could hold his laughter back no longer, and doubled over in pain trying to catch his breath from his continuous laughter.

Zvonder, taking the abuse, stood there waiting for Baldarklord's laughter to subside. After several minutes, his fit became subdued, and slowly, he regained himself. "Zvonder, that is the weirdest thing I've ever heard. Why would you name your dick?"

"It's a subliminal thing, for your information" Zvonder answered, not a little defensively. 'Women love it.....it personalizes it, and makes her want to get closer to it. Herman's name is well chosen....I paid a lot of money to one of the best dick namers in the business, and this is what we decided to name it. There's a lot of psychology there, even if you don't realize it. Look at the name....Herman.....Her.....man! See? Get it? Her.....Man.....? grinned Zvonder, hopefully.

"You paid somebody to name your dick? You paid good money......to have your dick named. Unbelieveable. Anyway, it's time to trade.....Herman.....and my no-name-dick.....back to their rightful owners. I miss my dick. I want my old dick back. I'm more comfortable with him, and anyway, yours looks funny.....even Sassee says so."

"HUH....did you do something to Herman" squeeked Zvonder, a hint of concern entering his voice. "Did you hurt him?"

"No.....he just looks.....a little strange. He doesn't look anything like mine. And I have to contort myself to use him."

"You've done something to Herman" Zvonder mewed in fear. "Lemme see what you've done to him. I'm not agreeing to any tradeback till you show him to me."

"Ohhhhh, for Great Grymker's Ghost, Zvonder. He's the same as when I got him from you last week.....minus a little wear and tear....he's ok!"

"NO.....I wanna see him right now.....I wanna see what you've done to him.....or no tradeback. SHOW ME!.....NOW!"

Sighing deeply, Baldarklord looked up at the ceiling, rolled his eyes and resignedly, slowly, lowered his Santa pants.

"EEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKKK" OH MY GOD....screamed Zvonder....WHAT HAVE YOU DONE? YOU'VE DEFORMED HIM! HIS BALLS ARE ON THE TOP.....HERMAN's UPSIDE DOWN".....Zvonder sat heavily into a chair, a look of pure devestation and anguish on his face.

"I told you he looked strange" said Baldaklord, now deeply concerned over his friend's anguish. "Wasn't he like this before?"

"NOOOOOOOOOOO......HE WAS PERFECT..........didn't you realize he was upside down?"

"Well, no....no I didn't. I've never seen another man's dick. I just figured yours was yours, and mine was mine."

"Didn't it seem just a LITTLE strange that those flesh colered things that look like golf balls would be on the TOP?" Didn't you wonder just a LITTLE bit why mine would be totally opposite from YOURS?"

"No" Baldarklord said meekly, feeling just a little naive. "I guess that's why Sassee said it looked strange."

"Oh really.....ya think? I can't believe a man 800 years old has never seen another man's dick. Great Grymkers Ghost....and you laughed at me for naming mine."

"Well, Z-man.....this is the way I got it....I didn't DO this....it came this way....because SOMEONE paniced and wrapped his legs around me in a fit of terror.....so don't blame me!"

"We gotta do something, Baldarklord" Zvonder's voice starting to break...."we can't leave Herman this way....we gotta get him fixed....we gotta get him right", and finally, unable to suppress his emotion any longer, Zvonder buried his face in his hands, and started crying.